How Do I Get Rid Of Suicidal Thoughts?

So I'm a 22 year old male, and I'm having some serious thought about suicide. I've never been this way before, I used to think people who kill themselves were cowards, but lately they seem to have the right idea. I've suffered from depression since I was about 12, I do have a very rough background (surprise!!!). My mom abandoned me when I was a baby, and my Grandparents raised me. After my Grandmother died my family and I had very bad falling out, and even though I've tried to fix things, there just unfixable anymore. I'm also a mixed race baby, so my whole life I've always had a hard time fitting in with people, mainly because most people don't know what to make of me. To add insult to injury I'm also gay, and what's even worse is i feel that the community i thought would accept me for who I am, never really did which has left me feeling super alone and lost. I've always had super bad self esteem due to the fact i could never ever find anyone like me (looks or otherwise), which left me feeling like some sort of monster. Over the past few years since I was 18, I went from super social, to almost never leaving the house anymore, i feel to scared and nervous to even go out anymore for fear of judgement from other people. Even with all this happening I never felt suicidal till now. It seems every doctor I've seen can never quite pin point exactly what i have (its very weird, it's almost like I'm living in my head and i cant get out, i find it hard sometimes to even articulate words, just pushing the words out of my mouth take so much energy anymore). I've been told Im Depressed, Anxious, Schitzo, PTSD, every thing....and none of the treatments for these have worked. It's very hard for me to keep a positive outlook anymore when i feel like i may never find the right help. Im dating a great guy now, but I know my depression and mood swings (or whatever it is) is taking its toll on our relationship, and i feel i might lose him as well, which makes me even more sad. Sometimes i think about just leaving him, because i feel I'm bringing him down, he's got such an awesome attitude, and a great lust for life and the people around him...i don't wanna kill that for him. Im seriously at my wits end, with doctors not being able to help, and friendships and relationships crashing around me, I'm completely lost....can anyone recommend groups, advice, idea's, anything....I truly wanna live, but i wanna live without these thoughts in my head, and it scares me sometimes because I'm afraid i might actually let myself go through with it, its terrifying